Practicality. Earnestness. Self-promotion. If there were three concise themes to describe the genre of the digital gift guide today, these would do remarkably well in summing things up.
If you’re like us, you’ve already spotted the patterns: your favorite sites have diligently cranked out ten or more guides at this point (even more than last year it seems); affiliate incentives are causing you to question what’s actually being listed; and the sheer mountain of gift guides for every random interest makes the task of finding a gift even harder than it perhaps otherwise would’ve been in the first place.
Of course the shopping must always get done. But with many of us either foregoing gifting this year altogether or donating to charitable causes instead, now, more than ever, is the perfect time to at least have a little fun with this.
So, we’re throwing caution to the wind, cracking a smirk, and doing a distinctly Lean Luxe rendition on the weary gift guide. Consider this your one stop shop for everything completely absurd. Impractical — or practical, depending on your tax bracket — at minimum, this list should have you chuckling at a time (and a year) when levity’s needed most.
Rest assured, this is not an affiliate program — and given that most of these items are completely ridiculous to begin with, it wouldn’t make much business sense anyway. And yes, the fact that it’s arriving late is also moot — you wouldn’t be gifting any of this stuff even if we had published this in November.
Below, fourteen of our favorite (very) impractical gifts, in no particular order of importance.
01
Outlier’s Nexhigh Flatness | $275
Weird. Dystopian. Wanted. Certainly not needed.
A commenter in the Outlier Subreddit for the product sums up the feeling perfectly: “I want this but have no need for it. Hmm.” Fans of Outlier will know that the brand continues to amaze with some of the most fascinating experimental product drops of any brand today. (If MSCHF were strictly a clothing and accessories company, it might look like Outlier.) So what exactly is their 256th experiment, the ‘Nexhigh Flatness’? Well, in short, it’s a bag that opens flat. It uses Nexhigh, a custom developed fabric by Outlier that “bends and folds but does not stretch, making it a hybrid of soft-shell and hard-shell luggage material.” The result: “it opens completely flat, but snaps and cinches into a versatile bag that resembles a duffle bag crossed with a flower.” Certainly sounds special. And at $275, it’s reasonable. But aesthetically, it’s still not an easy pill to swallow, and very hard to successfully pull off at the airport for the average traveler. Our advice: Unless your loved one is known to love Rick Owens or has talked up Drake’s new NOCTA line without a hint of irony, this gift, though well-meaning, might be too advanced. Besides, it’s already sold out anyway. This is Outlier, after all.
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Experiment 256: Nexhigh Flatness – Outlier.nyc | $275
02
Tiffany & Co. Sterling Silver Greenhouse | $275,000
A (very) lavish new home for their plants? Not quite.
It is, as the Tiffany product description so poetically states, a “solid sterling silver, copper and glass greenhouse hand-assembled by the finest Tiffany artisans”. It was also apparently assembled over the course of nine whole months, clocking in at nearly 1,000 hours in the Tiffany workshop. This all sounds impressive and wonderful, making the idea splurging for a Tiffany greenhouse for your significant other for the backyard seem more and more reasonable by the minute. It would be quite a gift — and flex on your neighbors. That whole fantasy comes to a screeching halt, though, once you realize in checking the dimensions, that this isn’t actually real, life-sized greenhouse. At 20″W x 26.75″L x 17.75”H it’s an exorbitantly expensive prop for loved one’s Zoom calls. And with all the plants they’ve no doubt stockpiled during the pandemic, all of which are begging for a fancy new home, this realization is, in the truest sense of the word, disappointing.
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Sterling Silver Greenhouse – Tiffany.com | $275,000
03
2021 Genesis G80 3.5T Prestige AWD | $68,050
The finest…Hyundai money can buy.
By all accounts, is this a fine luxury vehicle? There’s no doubt. Do the promotional photos capture its sexy lines beautifully? Of course they do. Is this still a Hyundai? Yes. Are we rejecting the idea of throwing down close to $70,000 on a Hyundai for your loved one? Absolutely. Listen, even the Lexuses, Acuras, and Infinitys of the car world had to start somewhere when they first debuted as luxury siblings of their decidedly not luxury parent companies. But this vehicle is still seventy large. That’s no joke. And when you can afford to buy a car that costs that much, are you really, at the end of the day, going to opt for this over that Audi, Mercedes, BMW, Tesla, or Range Rover you know your loved one’s going to want instead? Imagine the look on their face when they realize the wonderful car they’ve been gifted in the driveway is…a $70,000 Hyundai. We didn’t think so.
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2021 Genesis G80 3.5T Prestige AWD — Genesis.com | $68,050
04
New Yorker Magazine Print Subscription | $89.99 for 1 Year
Just buy them the tote instead.
Impractical because they’re NEVER going to finish an issue and they’ll just keep piling up each week. Sure, they’ll get the tote bag. And sure subscribing to the New Yorker is a bit of a cultural signal. But let’s be honest: No one ever finishes an issue of the New Yorker, no matter how many times you (used to) see commuters reading them on the train. Do you really want to be the sole cause of their increasing sense of overwhelm and guilt as they watch their stack of unfinished New Yorker magazines grow taller by the week?
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New Yorker Magazine Subscription — Newyorker.com | $89.99
05
Leica Q2 Monochrom | $5,995
Limited view.
This one has us in a bit of a dilemma. We’ve got two Lean Luxe approved brands here — Leica and Hodinkee — that have combined to produce a wonderful update on an incredible product. But here’s the issue. Hodinkee’s sleek aesthetic updates to the case aside, this is still a $6,000 luxury camera. And it only shoots in black and white. If you’re looking to bless the amateur photographer in your life with their first Leica, rest assured this should not be it. Just get them a standard one that shoots in color.
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Leica Q2 Monochrom — Hodinkee.com | $5,995
06
Woodbridge Lodge | $934,115
The castle lover’s proxy for an actual castle.
Most of us, at one time or another, have wanted to live in a castle. But real castles come with their own real world concerns. So much cold, bare stone. Surely it must be drafty. The upkeep must be torture. Not to mention the probable haunting problem. The castle: Fun in theory, miserable in practice. The ideal compromise, then, for the castle lover on your gift list is something that has the spirit of the castle without all the castle baggage. ‘Castle adjacent’, we’re calling it. Woodbridge Lodge looks like it would fit the bill. A minimalist country residence set on two acres (with apple and plum trees), housed within an early 19th century Gothic lodge in a British forest. Half castle, half Kondo-approved second home. Impractical and extremely needed.
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Woodbridge Lodge – Themodernhouse.com | $934,115
07
The Babylon Sustainable Indoor Microfarm | $799/month
Give the gift of a rental microfarm.
Naturally, what impractical gift guide would be complete without at least one inclusion from Goop? The Babylon Microfarm was discovered while scrolling through one of the Goop guides, which, by the way, are quite impractical in their own right, but without any of the required self-awareness to make them funny. It was listed without much of an explanation — just the name, a photo, a link, and the price: $799 a month. Sustainability is all the rage in luxury today, and the return to the land movement (or at least the romance of it) accelerated by the pandemic has made having your own little urban garden the ultimate pursuit for some. If this sounds like someone on your shopping list, then you’re in luck — the Babylon Microfarm is here to help. Granted, Babylon’s microfarm system looks like it might be best suited for for more industrial use (say, inside a place like Sweetgreen, for instance), but they do offer residential installations of course. And for the princely sum of $799 each month, you can arrange to have your favorite urban gardener lavished with perfect microfarmed herbs and greens whenever their foodie hearts desire it.
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Babylon Microfarm System — Babylonmicrofarms.com | $799/month
08
Brionvega Radio Grattacielo | $199
An Italian FM radio inspired by the skyscraper.
There’s absolutely no need for this. We have phones and Spotify and our own personalized radio stations at the tap of a finger. And yet. There’s just something about this that says “buy me” that defies reason. Bluetooth, USB, a headphone jack, an LCD screen, and of course the FM radio, the Brionvega Radio Grattacielo has got all the fixings. And it sure does look great (other pictures will show that this thing, despite the front-facing perspective in the photo here, is actually a robust brick), plus it’s got that Italian-modernist-design-meets-Dieter-Rams thing going on (the original version of this, sans bluetooth obviously, was created in 1965). But still if you’re going to buy a portable bluetooth speaker for someone, they’ll probably just be wondering “Cool, but why didn’t they just buy me a Sonos version?”
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Brionvega Radio Grattacielo — Uncrate.com | $199
09
Karlskrona Lampfabrik x Monocle Brass Oil Lamp | $194.25
Perfect for the hygge-obsessed pyro.
It’s a brass oil lamp, folks. In 2020. No, you won’t have to source whale fat to fuel it, but if you know there’s someone on your list who’s just dying to experience some semblance of what life was like before electricity, this (albeit much more luxurious) little number from Monocle will do the trick. Made in Sweden and constructed of glass and brass, it’s the perfect candle upgrade for the hygge-obsessed homebody (or pyro) who’s got a hankering for pairing hot toddies and classical music with their fire. While this is surely a handsome gift, you’ve got to give it with the understanding that you could, potentially, be also be enabling a future accidental apartment fire.
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Karlskrona Lampfabrik x Monocle Brass Oil Lamp — Monocle.com | $194.25
10
Lego Colosseum | $549.99
A 9,036 piece torture device.
Don’t let the relatively unassuming look of this fool you. Lego’s Colosseum is the largest Lego set you can buy right now, clocking in at a grand total of 9,036 pieces. An ‘engineering marvel’, Lego describes it, ‘a build of epic proportions’ complete with ancient walkways and even a recreated hypogeum, ‘the elaborate structure beneath the floor of the arena’. It’s truly impressive, there’s no doubt about that. But no matter who you are, let’s be honest — you’ll never end up finishing this beast. Gift givers, choose your victim wisely: This is more of a torture device than a toy. Of course if you’re something of a sadist you’ll know those are both one and the same.
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Lego Colosseum — Lego.com | $549.99
11
1988 Saab 900 Turbo SPG 5-Speed | $17,900 (Current Bid)
Enough to bring a Saab lover to tears.
Let’s not forget: They don’t even make Saabs anymore. How’s that for a tragic reminder we don’t need right now? That said, Saabs can still be had, and this is a shining example of an excellent late-’80s 900 from Saab’s golden age — and it’s a 5 speed with a sunroof. The interior is in great condition and it’s got 58,000 miles on the odometer. Looking to bring a Saab lover to tears? This is the impractical gift you should be bidding on.
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1988 Saab 900 Turbo SPG 5-Speed — Bringatrailer.com | $17,900 (Current Bid)
12
The Hodinkee Travel Clock | $5,900
For the covid-era globetrotter.
We admit, Hodinkee is (unfairly) represented in this list twice, but unlike the Leica Q2 Monochrom, this is a product Hodinkee developed in-house, and it was a head scratcher even when it was released earlier in the year. As the Lean Luxer who submitted this to us noted, “It’s an alarm clock! It’s six grand! It sold out instantly!” All excellent facts. The two most interesting things about Hodinkee’s Travel Clock is that first, it’s a product designed for travel that was launched in the middle of the pandemic, and second, it’s a mechanical travel clock that, yes, costs $5,900. For the covid-era globetrotter, surely this is a nice to have, but you have to wonder what purpose this serves when that traveller will surely already have both a wristwatch and an iPhone already on hand.
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Hodinkee Travel Clock — Hodinkee.com | $5,900
13
Air Mail Subscription | $79.99 annual membership
The hate read you’ll secretly end up loving.
Treat this one as a gift for yourself. (Totally acceptable, it’s been a strange year.) Founded in mid-2019 by the controversial former Vanity Fair editor, Graydon Carter, Air Mail will become the hate read you’ll secretly end up loving. And, no, you still won’t feel any better about that. You’ll be lured in with weekly stories about society scandal and exposés about things concerning royalty, oligarch divorces, and posh British boarding schools like Eton. These stories will actually be good — well-written, interesting, and witty — and you’ll hate yourself for devouring each digital issue that drops every weekend. Your friends won’t be spared of suffering either — growing more annoyed by the week as you increasingly share links to great Vanity Faire-type pieces that they can’t access due to the hard paywall. Misery.
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Air Mail Subscription for 1 Year — Airmail.com | $79.99
14
Balenciaga Toe Sock | $1,290
Speechless, truly.
Frankly, this being Balenciaga, we could’ve tossed a dart anywhere and hit something ridiculous. And yes the brand is low hanging fruit when it comes to impracticality. But this ‘Toe Sock’ is the ultimate winner. Hideous and completely absurd, it’s the perfect gift for the fashionista who enjoys taking the biggest of sartorial risks just to be able to sport a fashion house’s famous logo. How the brand gets away with this stuff is the real question we’d like answered here.
